So much for me saying what a bad blogger I was for neglecting my little corner of the internet- then vanishing for a few more months!
Ah well- life, stuff, y'know.
If there's anyone out there who still accidentally wanders in here- Hello! Thanks for dropping in. I'll try to make your visit worthwhile.
So- we're coming to the tail end of the first chapter of a new year. The banners are packed away. The gym memberships are beginning to look like expensive acts of self-delusion (not me- I've never joined a gym in my life!), the diets falling by the wayside (no comment) and the resolution list stares accusingly from the pages of brand new diaries. Cynical, huh?
When I was a kid I was always so keen to fill in the first page of my new Christmas Present Diary with a list of my Resolutions. Every year they looked pretty much the same. And I tried to ignore the obvious fact that I clearly hadn't achieved them the year before. Again.
Want to know what my main resolution was? (Get your hanky out). It was to change my personality. I had a couple of deeply unhappy years in school where I was bullied on a daily basis. I'd bet money and my Kindle Fire on the fact that the majority of those who made my life so utterly awful would be shocked and horrified at the notion that they were bullying someone. Making fun of the shy girl was just a laugh, after all. A bit of teasing. Mimicking her...well... she should take a joke, right? Laughing at the person who had to sit next to her, hiding her things when her back was turned, pretending to wipe a hand if it touched her, rolling eyes if she got a question wrong in maths (and ignoring the times when she actually wiped the floor with them in other subjects) and arguing over who was going to get stuck with her in a group or a PE team..... Just kids being kids. The whole day. Every day. You think they'd have more important things to be concerned with, wouldn't you? For a girl they claimed was so worthless- they sure as heck devoted a lot of their time to me!
These days, of course, those acts are recognised as bullying tactics and schools are so much more aware of the various forms it takes. But in the 70's/ early 80's...the teachers didn't notice or didn't bother to intervene.
In the end, the bullying got physical and nasty in a way that nobody could pass off as 'a bit of fun' or 'teasing'.
After having the worst attendance record in the class (I was very inventive in the illnesses and injuries I feigned to get out of school) for some time- I had a panic attack on my way to school after a morning off and simply not being able to face going, I detoured to my Auntie's house and came up with some story that convinced her to let me stay with her for the afternoon. I don't think she believed it- but she let me stay anyway. Within a couple of days, I watched a documentary in which a boy, bullied at school, had help when it was reported and the police paid a visit to the bully in question. It must have been pretty serious for police involvement- but it was like the proverbial lightbulb going on in my head.
This was actually bad? Not just messing about? Kids could be in trouble for doing that to someone?
The next day, the girl who was the absolute worst to me (I received so many kicked shins under the table from her every day that I'm amazed I could actually walk properly!), sat beside me in a lesson and made her usual too-quiet-to-be-heard-by-anyone-else- comment of "God, you stink!"
To this day I have no idea what gave me a sudden moment of calm and fearlessness as I simply replied "You could get into SO much trouble for what you're doing to me" (I remember it verbatim. Odd, huh?) She gave me a shocked look and I told her that I saw a programme where the police went to the bully's house- and something along the lines of what she doing was against the law (I think I interpreted it that way, anyhow!).
She was silent and got on with what she was doing.
After that, she tended to ignore me- and she never actively bullied me again. Shortly afterward, I left the school to go to Grammar School anyway (with the delightful parting shot from several of my classmates of 'How did SHE get in and I didn't?). I didn't care- I was so happy to be leaving.
So- where does my resolution fit into all this?
Because I 'knew' that being the person I was made me unpopular and despised. I had no idea why but I 'knew' just as surely that if I could be a different person this time- it would be better.If I could become funny and outgoing and exactly like the Queen Bee of the group- confident and extroverted- then it would stop.
All I had to do was be....well....not me.
Playing your violins yet?
Crazy, isn't it? Anyone who has ever been bullied will tell you that it stays with you for years. Even when you're in a different situation, it niggles away there like a little brain worm. I loved my new school- wasn't bullied, harassed or treated negatively by any of the girls there at all (single sex school), but I'd never put myself forward when we had to get into groups, in case they didn't want me with them...little things like that.
You can imagine what an impact discovering the reality of this Jesus guy had, can't you? It took a while for the fact of God's acceptance to sink in. Not just His love- but the fact that He accepts me exactly as I am- and that He doesn't want me to change my personality- but simply to help me become the best version of myself that I can be- to fulfill my personality's potential.... Mind blowing to someone who genuinely believed that they were clearly a bit rubbish as a person!
I can recall when it really hit me- when the reality of God's acceptance and how He loves WHO I am really sunk in. It was actually years after I became a Christian. I was alone, praying about something totally unrelated- and,,,, it just hit me.
And I sobbed.
And sobbed.
And sobbed.
And you would think that after that I became a bright new shiny confident superwoman, wouldn't you?
Jesus' little sunbeam, me!
You would? Seriously? You clearly haven't read many of these bloggy wafflings my friend, if you think it's that simple!!!!
Yes, I am soooo much more confident than I was. Yes, I do have a far healthier view of myself. But....
Guess what....
It creeps back now and then- to a far lesser extent- but the little niggle can get there before I realise it.
I don't make resolutions as such anymore. I tend to have some goals I would like to achieve- usually, positive things I'd quite like to try or something to bear in mind (for example- the mantra 'Progress not perfection'). This year, I thought about it all and found myself looking at areas I'd not done well in the last year, which was a tough one for us; about some people's opinions of how I'd handled some situations or tasks, about how things would be so much better if my personality, if who I am was better- if I was less....me.
Oops.
It's a blooming good job that God is a patient sort of chap, isn't it?
So- my New Year Resolution...
I'm not resolving anything. I'm just ...being. Being me- remembering God thinks I'm awesome even if I don't, and accepting that I'd make mistakes in this life no matter what personality I have, so no beating myself up over it.
Honestly- think about it. Isn't it amazing? He thinks you are freakin' brilliant -even if He has to help you get some of the dust and grime off so the best of you shines out.
I love this being a Christian lark, I really do!
(Is a resolution not to resolve anything an oxymoron? Or is the moron just me? Answers on a postcard...)
Oooh....deep.
